Junk Mass
Smashing the roach against the wall
leaves sticky and sweet blood, so you scrub back and forth, when your hand
brushes against a dent in the wall, a punched- in wall, the shape of your heel.
Chuckle, chuckle, what a nightmare that was, you recall, a hole punching heady rage,
and then going down in a hysteric deflation of laughter.
You sink to the litter-bugged floor
of roaches and mounds of junk, broken junk, junk now useless and meaningless, simply
tossed and trashed; pounding the wall with your fists and head, clutching your
paper, his letter scrawled across its bloody crumpled faces, you join the Mass.
'look,
i can handle waiting a couple days the first few times, and i've been patient on
my part. However, it seems you are too busy to handle anything for a moment-i
feel like a burden. Don't even bother replying-i can see how busy you are. and
to think I've been the only one checking for replies. i feel like a fool. why
have i been waiting, not missing a single day, to see if you had sent me a
reply? why couldn't i just see how i was the only one who felt like this, in
this 'relationship'. i'm sorry to have been a burden to you. and i really did
love you.
did.
goodbye.'
“The blood is bugs, the blood is just the bugs”, you whisper
and rock, wiping your shiny and tearless thickly stained, dripping wrists
against the now bright cherry stippled carpet.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteDveen, I did not really anticipate you writing something so... unnerving. You have proven me wrong. All I think I know about life is false.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I thought the story was thought-provoking. You seem to leave much for the reader to fill in on their own. This is totally fine. You create an tone, an atmosphere with history, and mystery (seriously, though, where is this person living?).
If there is anything that detracts from the text, it is confusing statements like, "Your eyelids swinging back and forth in a nervous twitch, your arm stretching into broad hug, arching around the air and bug-juice-standing, you pause". Maybe i'm just not grasping how the sentence works. However, I was a little tripped up by it.
I like how the subject of the letter is projected on to the surroundings. The letter alludes to the ruin of a relationship, to the dilapidation of an emotional attachment, and its tone fits right in with the atmosphere of the setting (a vermin-infested pit of squalor which has fallen from pleasantness).
It's creepy. Nice work.
Hey Dveen, super creepy, which i hope is what you were going for! Maybe if the person was cleaner, they'd have better relationships! Seriously though, great job. I personally am a big fan of the cut out of someone's life, which is what I was trying to accomplish (but unfortunately is was too jarring). You really make us feel attached to the person, commiserating or feeling bad, or caring for him/her/trans, thus forcing us to write the prologue and epilogue to the story to fill in the blanks making it essentially the perfect story because its partly everyone's story. Really makes you think. I like that, well done
ReplyDeleteDveen,
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I came back to your page and read your entire story. Some of my favorite stories have dark undertones and your piece is certainly not lacking in those. The imagery you use is very vivid. It definitely evokes emotion from your readers, which is the goal. I was not expecting the painful love letter to come up within this story, but it was a good surprise, it added an element to the story that helped explain why the character was so twisted and destructive. Also, like I told you in art today, my favorite descriptive phrase that you use is, “…dripping wrists against the now bright cherry stippled carpet”. Great job on a strong ending, I think that the ending of a piece is crucial to its success and you definitely succeeded. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hey Dveen! I never expected you to write something so dark, but it was amazing! The images were very clear for being a short story. There was only one sentence that confused me, however the story itself was really good. I look forward to seeing more short stories! :)
ReplyDeleteWhich sentence?
DeleteGood morning Dveen,
ReplyDeleteYou had a wonderful post! I thought the use of second person was very direct and spoke right to your reader. The incredible way to make us feel a part of your story is something that adds a whole new dimension to your work. Fantastic job with that! In addition, I think that in the letter, although it was really short, was able to provide an amazing snapshot into the character's life. All in all, great post!
Andrew Siva
I agree with Andrew that the second person is a very fresh, interesting choice. The first sentence also grabs the reader. I still want a bit more origin on the bugs, but definitely some great imagery here.
ReplyDelete